Funny Thoughts
- Studio – They had to make new name for it because it sounds better than a zero or no bedroom. I can cook and poop and watch TV at the same time while pivoting on my feet.
- City Living – I live in a gated community – there are metal bars on my windows.
- If an astronaut gets sick in space, can he say he is over the weather?
- Since jeans with holes were in style, do you think underwear with holes would ever be in style?
- Since more coconuts kill people than sharks, should we have a falling coconut week?
- Is a cabana a Mexican cottage? Is a cabin an ugly cottage?
- Is naming dogs people names weird? Pets – I think it’s very strange that men like dogs and women like cats because women want attention and men want to be left alone, it should be the complete opposite.
- When you’re walking on egg shells, how do you make your eggs?
- We all asks who wears in the pants in the relationship. In Scotland do people ask who wears the kilt in the relationship?
- Trust a professional i.e. a lawyer or doctor who has a lava lamp? caricature of himself on the wall? Would you trust a president (or other professional) if he admitted to only sleeping on a waterbed or if he told you his sleep number? What if he did a commercial testing a wine glass on the tempurpedic?
- Do you think drugs or music came first?
- Would you own a poop shelf toilet? Bidet?
- Do you think people who talk about square footage of their place usually pompous? How about people who have big walk in closets?
- What’s the last thing you ordered off Amazon? What is the best and worst purchases you’ve ever made?
- If you could ask the President one question, what would it be?
- Appliance that is most likely to be broken – printer, hot tub, or your heart?
- People accuse others of being food diggers. Everyone is a digger nowadays, the original being goaldiggers. What’s the next trend? I feel it’ll be foaldiggers – people will be looking to wife up or be friends with people who own horses, to escape the monotony of the concrete jungles that is their city
- If you say you’re cooler than me, does that mean I’m hotter than you?
- Why do you feel you need another person? I need someone to tell me to wear a sweater when we head out the door
- Was a cummerbund invented to protect your expensive pants from crumbs? It should be called a crumberbun.
- Technically your alarm is your theme song at the start of every episode of your life.
- If you throw a cat out of the window, would you call it kitty litter?
Funny Hypotheticals
- If we had intercourse way more often than we ate food, would food be better than intercourse?
- If you have a lot of money, do you go for shoes or purses? I prefer bag women. You can’t wear the same shoes everyday! And they’re on an endless insatiable quest.
- Is a buddha belly or buddha bod the new dadbod? Did Buddha have a weight problem?
- Is a bearhug more of an affectionate move or violent wrestling move?
- What are more useless? Shams or vases?
- If a town is hit by a flood, would you say the town is half empty or half full?
- In the future, will it be cheating to have intercourse with a robot?
- What ancient civilization would you want to live as a citizen in? What movie or book or TV series would you want to live inside?
- If you were abducted by aliens, would you rather be put in their circus or their zoo?
- How would you welcome aliens to Earth? Have jello shots with them?
- Would you rather bind your feet like a Chinese princess or wear the corset like a European?
- What’s the female equivalent of being a butt or boob guy? Which one would you be?
- What would you rather forget? Your keys, wallet, pants, underwear, or socks? Or where your car was?
- Since mirrors make the time go faster (an architectural / designer fact), would you have more or less mirrors in your house (to help you be productive or to slow time)?
- If you could be an Olympic athlete, in what sport would you compete?
- If you were stranded on an island, would you rather your best friend or a slightly annoying boyfriend be there with you?
- Would you rather be rich and famous or just rich?
- Would you rather take a vow of celibacy or take a vow of silence?
- Space – Would you be a pioneer and be one of the first space or planet colonists? If it meant never returning to Earth?
- If someone made a movie of your life would it be a drama, a comedy, a romantic-comedy, action film, or science fiction?
- Name a product or service you love so much that you’d happily be that company’s spokesperson.
- What would you name your boat if you had one? Petty cash?
- If you could shop for free at one store, which one would you choose?
- What is the best piece of advice you’ve received? Or what advice would you give past you?
- Weight lifting guy – would you give up your life to take care of someone? IE willing to change your life to accommodate your partner’s dreams?
- Would you be more embarrassed wearing a Hawaiian shirt in Hawaii, being covered up in Egypt, or?
- If you could know the absolute and total truth to one question, what question would you ask?
- If your significant other is very drunk at a party, do you a) bring him home immediately b) watch over him and bring him home if a bad scene happens or c) get as drunk as him?
- Would you rather eat lava temperature chocolate or chocolate temperature lava?
- If you were visiting a cannibal society of natives, would you eat the human flesh since they might get offended if you refuse?
- Would you rather be able to eat all you want without repercussion, drink all you want, or do drugs all you want?
- What’s more fun – a tickle fight, pillow fight, pool noodle fight, or a snow ball fight? Or a real fight with make up “intimacy”?
- Would you rather your date make voices or hear voices?
- When stuck in an airport with all the restaurants closed – what two snack foods do you get from the convenience store?
- If you could be an Olympic athlete, what sport would you compete in?
- If you were stranded on an island, would you want to be with your best friend or a slightly annoying boyfriend?
- If someone made a movie of your life, what film genre would it be? Would it be a drama, comedy, romantic comedy, action film, sci-fi?
- Would you be willing to be one of the first planet colonists or space pioneers (live on a different planet or primarily in space)?
- If a guy writes a 20 page paper as to why you guys should date or get engaged, is it endearing or creepy? Better for engagement than for starting to date?
Flirty / Teasing Questions
- Are you more about the thug life or the snug life?
- Were you raised by wolves? Out of a barn?
- Were you dropped on your head as a baby?
- Didn’t your mother ever teach you manners?
- Lets take an “us-ie” instead of a selfie
Jokes
- Why did the hipster burn his tongue from the coffee? Because he drank it before it was cool. On another note, aren’t there too many hipsters out there for it to be cool?
- Why did the skeleton not want to get on the roller coaster? Because he didn’t have any guts.
- What constitutes being cultured? Liking imported beers?
- Basic – I don’t believe in political parties, I just believe in parties
- When you pick up the check, saying to the waiter – “You’re charging for butter?!”. Or saying to your friend/date “I think we have to put down $1000 for our waiter/waitress, after everything we’ve put him/her through”
- A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, “I love you so much, I don’t know how I could ever live without you.” Her husband asks, “Is that you or the wine talking?” She replies, “It’s me…talking to the wine.”
- Honey-do List
- A nurse gets off of a double shift and wants to go eat for lunch. She realizes she needs money so she goes to the bank. She pulls out a checkbook and a rectal thermometer from her purse, and starts writing with the thermometer. She realizes what’s in her hand and says “Oh shoot, some asshole at the hospital has my pen!”
- I once dated a girl with a lazy eye. It didn’t work out; she was seeing another guy on the side.
- Best Punny or Jokey Boat Name – Knotty, Petty Cash
Accounting Jokes
- Where do homeless accountants sleep? The tax shelter.
- Why do people like going out with an accountant? Because he is the lifo the party
- Welcome to the accounting department – where everyone counts
Food Jokes
- Burger – How did the burger introduce his wife? Meat Patty!
- Cheese – I haven’t explored many cheeses – I’m an underacheeser.
Fun Thinker Questions
- Do you think the meaning of life is most likely to be discovered in a science lab, or brunch?
- How many demons do you have? One, two?
- How much baggage do you have? Only on carry-on?
- What would be the cutest infestation to have in your home?
- Do you think Lipton employees are allowed to take coffee breaks?
- What do you think life will look like in 100 years?
- What would be your strategy for surviving an apocalyptic epidemic?
- If you were in a fantasy novel or in the past, would you be more of a maiden, princess, or warrior princess? In what ancient civilization would you want our castle to be in?
- What do you think is a waste of money that people spend on?
- What’s one thing could help the world the most?
- What’s the worst and best thing about being female?
- What do couples do that seriously annoys you?
- What is something that is popular now that annoys you?
- Favorite science or math equation?
- Is emotion more or less important than reason?
- Do you think if someone cries at the movie theater they’re poorly adjusted or healthily human and empathetic?
- What do you want?
Flirty Responses and One Liners
- Leaving – let’s bust a move
- Trust in the process
- Looking for the “goof” to my balls
- Run daily for sanity and vanity
- DC is an echo chamber – everyone agrees and no outside information is brought in
- Youre coquettish and silly
- DOT – i need to move on – pun intended
- dont call me, ill call you
- my stride, no rush
- Believe in yourself, unless you’re imaginary.
- Never quit your day dream.
Fun Physical Facts
- Your first three fingers are the widest you can comfortably open your mouth