Get out of your comfort zone
First and foremost, we cannot learn to be better communicators without getting out of our comfort zone – getting into the real world, put ourselves in different social situations and with different types of people, challenging ourselves by trying different questions, jokes, ways of connecting to people. It also helps to practice conversing with others whom you’d like to learn from.
Amplify the energy, be curious, and entertain yourself with your own creativity in order to better connect to others
How we make people feel depends more on our energy and confidence than our words themselves. As example, we may find ourselves enthralled when watching enthusiastic communication in a foreign language or absolutely bored by great words in a drab performance. How can one have great energy? Find ways to be excited to communicate – whether it be in the words you are saying, the people you are talking to, and/or the very idea that every time we communicate it is an opportunity to creatively express oneself as an art form, bring joy to (entertain) oneself and to others, and to teach others, learn from others, to connect to others.
An enthusiastically communicative person would ask questions and be curious. Connections are built through learning people more deeply and those are done with deep personal questions. Request details of people’s lives – their life situation, experiences, childhood, adulthood, preferences, emotions about things (about their activities, their relationships). Everyone likes others who are genuinely curious about their feelings and thoughts and activities, and are excited about these details. Start asking “Why?” and “How did that make you feel?” to everything, or for more details that you’re interested in and that you’d be able to comment on to keep conversation flowing.
An enthusiastically communicative person would respond uniquely – One’s energy and follow-up is more important than the conversation initiation and subject of conversation. However, we delve deeper – this person would also have their own thoughtful perspective and observations and passions. Try to make your own creative / interesting / jokey responses, relate by telling entertaining stories from your past, etc. At the very least, paraphrase what others say in your own way to verify, clarify, and express your understanding. View every moment as a moment to both get to know someone and express your own personality. Don’t be afraid to state the obvious in descriptive words that are interesting.
Specific Questions – Initiating conversation & topics, Answers & Responses
As discussed, firstly, be warm, welcoming, curious, and excited to talk to the person, while still staying relaxed and confident. Energy is contagious. Keeping the conversation flowing is an expression of this excitement.
Develop your own thoughts and questions and let the conversation flow naturally, be curious about how they’d respond. Giving context can help with this –
- Start off with your own story – a past or recent experience or thought or conversation or situation.
- “I was thinking about this and my thoughts are X, what do you think?”
- “I was talking to my friend about this and we got into an argument or we agreed on X, what do you think?”
- “This happened to me, what would you do in the situation? Do you have any advice?”
- To be fun, guess or assume how things are like before you ask someone to describe them (their job, the area they grew up in). Be playful about it.
- One can turn anything into a question. If you find something funny, turn it into a question. For example, if you find it funny that fancy restaurants serve foam as a dish topping, tell people that and ask them a question. “I find it hilarious that “haute cuisine” restaurants create fancy foams for the dishes. Do you think foam is the biggest sign of a high end restaurant? Or dishes topped with truffles? Anything “deconstructed”?”
Ask stimulating questions and also make stimulating responses – Always examine and analyze your life, experience, and practice sharing them with others.
Test your boundaries, developing your own favorite questions and answers, and practice, practice, practice
And always remember: Trying to be someone you’re not is okay to test lines, to develop your personality, but success comes when you act authentic to how you are feeling and you are authentically a person who likes to interact and have fun. Conversation is a skill, people aren’t “naturally shy”, they just haven’t honed their skills enough to not be socially anxious. Being “shy” is NO excuse to not attempt to put yourself out there. When you eventually get a lot of “references” and experience, you get to the point that you stop caring if people are giving positive or negative responses to you. You start being “bored”, so you do things to entertain yourself, because you become the sole source of your positive state. Flex your creativity muscle – ask questions or respond in unique ways that you think sound more interesting.
Social Anxiety
Anxiety and excitement are two sides of the same coin. Even on brain scans, the same areas of the brain are lit up. What is the difference? Anticipation of the future in either a negative light (anxiety) or in a positive light (excitement). We can choose whether to view the future in either light.